A Morning with the CBC
The supply chain must have been moving again, because after six months, a set of back-ordered struts for our family vehicle were finally in. I knew, however, that promises rang hollow when the service manager called me. Tuesday was not going to work, but if they got me in first thing Thursday, “You should be through in a couple hours.” The dealership is too far for a shuttle, so I brought my laptop, put in my headphones, and got some work done. Over the years, I have learned that things in North Bay usually move slowly.
It was going relatively well. Sometimes much gets done in unusual places. Dealership coffee is a mediocre side benefit. A TV blaring the CBC News Network, however, was a couple feet from my left ear. I was able to ignore it the first few rounds, but over time the message was getting past the earphones, and even past my better sensibilities.
I tried to go for a walk. The walk was preciously peaceful for a few moments, but its minus 18 here, blustery, and very snowy. I was not dressed to battle that particular beast today.
After another hour or so, I began to consider that this situation was providential. By now, even through the headphones, I was getting close to memorizing the CBC script, and starting to get the message. A little bit of dark humor was creeping into my mind, because sometimes that is the way we cope. So I took out the headphones and started to type out some notes on the CBC news.
I am an impatient speed reader, I normally skim the news. Very quickly, many sources: left-wing, right-wing, alternative, and centre. I do not care much for interpretation, I’d rather just know the facts. This was a completely different experience. So for all of you who would rather not spend over four hours sitting in front of the CBC, I thought I would pass these thoughts on. I learned a few things, though I will confess that much of this is my interpretation of their interpretation of reality:
It was going relatively well. Sometimes much gets done in unusual places. Dealership coffee is a mediocre side benefit. A TV blaring the CBC News Network, however, was a couple feet from my left ear. I was able to ignore it the first few rounds, but over time the message was getting past the earphones, and even past my better sensibilities.
I tried to go for a walk. The walk was preciously peaceful for a few moments, but its minus 18 here, blustery, and very snowy. I was not dressed to battle that particular beast today.
After another hour or so, I began to consider that this situation was providential. By now, even through the headphones, I was getting close to memorizing the CBC script, and starting to get the message. A little bit of dark humor was creeping into my mind, because sometimes that is the way we cope. So I took out the headphones and started to type out some notes on the CBC news.
I am an impatient speed reader, I normally skim the news. Very quickly, many sources: left-wing, right-wing, alternative, and centre. I do not care much for interpretation, I’d rather just know the facts. This was a completely different experience. So for all of you who would rather not spend over four hours sitting in front of the CBC, I thought I would pass these thoughts on. I learned a few things, though I will confess that much of this is my interpretation of their interpretation of reality:
- Bazillions of Canadians are suffering from the Omicron. Worst of all, firefighters and police officers are falling victim all over the country. You better hope your house doesn’t burn down or get broken into! I am sure a few genuinely need a sick day. The rest, I suspect should toss their tests and serve and protect. If this is not the cure getting worse than the disease, I am not sure what is.
- Booster, booster. Booster. BOOSTER. GET YOUR BOOSTER NOW!!! The world is starting to make more sense this morning, and I am becoming slightly more thankful for this unwelcome providence of being temporarily captive to the CBC. I am quite confused however, if boosters actually work, why they have not doled them out by age? Why did they allow them for everyone over 18? I have an elderly friend who would very much like one, which is their choice. They spent weeks trying to get one. This makes no sense. Unless, of course, it is more about groupthink at this point than health. Then it makes more sense to me. Perhaps.
- I learned that if you have a mask-less party on a chartered flight to Mexico, no one will let you fly back to Canada. You will be shamed and possibly jailed, and pay BIG fines. What did they expect those young people to do in Mexico, spend two weeks wearing masks and social distancing? Right. Be very afraid, party people. Now every airline will blacklist you, and you will be STUCK in Mexico of all places. Wait a minute… they get to stay in Mexico? The horror.
- Guess what? It takes at least two weeks to plug in a HEPA air purifier in an Ontario school classroom. Two days was not enough time to plug in the filters that they promised to install a year ago? This is the real reason schools need to be closed. We need to negotiate with the teacher’s union, then convince the janitors to run over to Walmart, grab some air purifiers, and keep the children very safe from a sickness that will give them hardly a sniffle. Or something like that.
- If you are the best unvaccinated tennis player in the world, and you have a medical exemption approved to come to Australia, don’t go. You will get detained in a hotel for not being vaccinated after all. How else would they slap a world famous anti—vaxxer on the wrist when he lives in a country where the government supports him? He should probably check under the sheets for needles. Don’t get lured into Australia folks, it is safer in Mexico.
- Nova Scotia had to call in the ARMY! No wait, actually it was the Red Cross. To give boosters. Never mind, not the army. A whole 25 Red Cross people are benevolently giving booster shots in Nova Scotia. We should probably stop rotating that army story now. Other media outlets made the same mistake. But things are so bad, they might need the army soon. But BOOSTER! Good news. Never mind. BOOSTER! BOOSTERS!!!! Good news, there are twenty-five red cross people giving boosters in Nova Scotia! Semi-live TV has one benefit. Watching them make bias mistakes in real time is an interesting feature. Its like a fast-forward version of watching a series of certain conspiracy theories come true every six months. Remember all those? The original official lines were that the virus was not from China, borders should be open, two weeks to flatten the curve, masks do not work for COVID, the virus was not lab produced, wait, masks do work, we flatten curves a couple days after restrictions start every time, and if every man, woman and child gets vaccinated this will go away, and finally, Omicron is going to be more deadly than ever? I get that COVID has been very hard on some people and families, and I do not mean to overlook that suffering, but this is getting a little strange. Why do so many people still buy all of this?
- The CBC would have you know that today is a day of “anguish and anger” in America. Americans are very, very divided and frightened. Everyone is very angry. Donald Trump is a murderous warlord. America has been destroyed. You don’t want to be in America. It is a dark, scary place. The kind of people who stormed the capitol “…are still out there, living in their homes, right now.” It is probably worse than Mexico.
- I have never had the attention span to watch a full Joe Biden speech before. But now that I was forced to, it was interesting. I have heard he struggles with a speech impediment, and I do not want to mock him. Since I like facts, and I had great internet at the dealership, I quickly went online and watched a couple of his speeches from the 1980s. In the 1980s Biden was articulate, very flowing. He spoke clearly without looking at notes. No hint of impediment back then. Now he has a very unusual way of communicating, and it comes across very tele-prompted and lost. I think Biden might actually be a puppet. I mean that literally.
- The CBC has seen SNOW! In Canada, in the winter. THERE is SNOW! There is a lot of risk of a lot of snow all over Canada because climate change. Treacherous driving conditions. Freezing rain on Vancouver Island! And it is raining in the Maritimes. You should probably think twice before you go outside because you might die of snow. Or rain. Or Omicron. Stay inside, keep watching the CBC. It is safer. Now this one is actually partly true. I just went for a walk in the snow, and I chose a dealership waiting room with 4 hours of blaring CBC over the snow. One point for the CBC. There is snow in Canada, in the winter. Most of it is probably in North Bay. Confirmed.
- The Canadian army has been infiltrated by bad white people. This is interesting. Not sure what I think about this one. Sources tell me it is probably actually somewhat of an overlooked reality. I suspect that there are a lot of unhappy people in the military lately. The last few decades have been a recipe for disillusionment. I for one, have a great respect for their service, and I do not care what color their skin is.
- Quebec is going to be very mean to unvaccinated people. Now it is three doses or you’re out. No liquor stores or pot stores for you! This is actually good news, because being unvaccinated is getting marginally healthier every day. They hope that by March, they can weed out all the double vaccinated.
- The CBC would like to repeatedly remind you that embracing the gender stereotypes of a gender which you were not born into, yet that does not exist and is just a social construct, is a very virtuous, humanistically heroic thing to do. Along with cutting off your private parts. Ouch.
- I begin to notice that the anchors, and the interviewers, and almost everyone on the screen is a woman. Or at least they all have feminine traits. I have nothing against women being news people, many of them are very good at it. But I begin to notice, there is something similar about all of them. They all talk very earnestly, and very seriously. Its the tone of your mom, when you were 12 and she was warning you about those kids who listened to bad music and had weird haircuts. After a day of that, I bet they are more exhausted than a preacher on a Sunday night. If they could, I am pretty sure these news people would reach through the screen and grab your chin and make you look them in the eye. They really are… preaching.
People, if you are watching CBC, you need to stop. I understand COVID is no joke, and I do not mean to make light of it. Some tiny proportion of us will certainly get very sick. But this is fear propaganda. No one should be watching this. It is not healthy. I suspect that many watching this stuff who get COVID probably have adrenaline spiking, and are fighting panic attacks as much as they are the virus. It is no wonder that the new marijuana stores now sprinkled all over town have non-stop business around here. It’s enough to make you wonder if the people using hydroxychloroquine and drinking bleach were better off. At least they had some hope and maybe a placebo. Plus, if they were paying attention to the instructions, their conspiracy theories may have been closer to the truth than the CBC is at this point.
Thankfully, my attention is finally turned away. An older gentleman wanders over and sits down, strategically sipping an empty coffee cup so that he does not have to wear a mask. He seems very talkative, and he engages me in conversation immediately. He glances at the screen, and tells me confidently that he regrets getting vaccinated. He is not getting any more boosters, he is tired of this. All of his brothers refused the vaccine, he wishes he never got it. I am guessing his Christmas was a little awkward. He looks me up and down, and he tells me that Trudeau’s father tried to take their guns, but they stood up to him. All the old boys said forget it, and old Trudeau backed off. Good thing, or else we’d be Nazi Germany, he said.
Thankfully, my attention is finally turned away. An older gentleman wanders over and sits down, strategically sipping an empty coffee cup so that he does not have to wear a mask. He seems very talkative, and he engages me in conversation immediately. He glances at the screen, and tells me confidently that he regrets getting vaccinated. He is not getting any more boosters, he is tired of this. All of his brothers refused the vaccine, he wishes he never got it. I am guessing his Christmas was a little awkward. He looks me up and down, and he tells me that Trudeau’s father tried to take their guns, but they stood up to him. All the old boys said forget it, and old Trudeau backed off. Good thing, or else we’d be Nazi Germany, he said.
I asked him, "Like Australia, then?"
I tell him this TV is a fear machine, and what we really need is to read a Bible and turn to God. When things keep going this way, the Word is our only hope, and I am sticking with Jesus. I want to talk to him about Jesus and our real needs, forgiveness of sins and being reconciled to God. But he doesn’t want to talk about that. He wants to talk.
And talk. About his good news. I will be the one evangelized today. He rambles, and I can hardly get a word in edgewise. When I do, he makes sure I know that I am wrong. I learn a few more things, primarily that this man has escaped the fear. He has awakened. He tells me that things are going to get much better this year. It is a rambling monologue:
I tell him this TV is a fear machine, and what we really need is to read a Bible and turn to God. When things keep going this way, the Word is our only hope, and I am sticking with Jesus. I want to talk to him about Jesus and our real needs, forgiveness of sins and being reconciled to God. But he doesn’t want to talk about that. He wants to talk.
And talk. About his good news. I will be the one evangelized today. He rambles, and I can hardly get a word in edgewise. When I do, he makes sure I know that I am wrong. I learn a few more things, primarily that this man has escaped the fear. He has awakened. He tells me that things are going to get much better this year. It is a rambling monologue:
“Technology will go further in the next 5 years than the last 100. You'll see. Elon Musk is making cars in Texas, there will be one built every four seconds, and they have a 1000 mile range. GM is going out of business. Everyone will be able to afford a Tesla. Going to mine the batteries right here in Sturgeon Falls, the economy is going to boom."
He is a consultant, he knows these things.
"Elon Musk is going to take us to mars by 2026. Elon Musk is making a brain implant that can make paralyzed people walk. Really, you just have to set your mind on healing, and it will happen. It’s already in you, but Elon Musk now knows how to turn on the healing. We won’t need fossil fuels soon. They are making robot firefighters. Our phones are watching us, but that is ok. It is ok to be watched, because you and me, we keep the laws."
I am not so sure, on either account, but I do not tell him that. After all, bill C-4 becomes law tomorrow.
"The next five years will be the best. Just wait, you will see!”
His car is ready. He puts his mask on, and pushes himself out of his chair, and slowly moves over to the door. Full of hope. In an earthly sense, his future looks brighter than mine. I must wait another hour or two, with the CBC. Thing really are getting strange.
I learned today that everyone has a saviour. The CBC has chosen fear as a saviour. Be frightened, and you will be safe from COVID, snow, party people, and bad Americans. Be very afraid, and you will be very safe.
This gentleman, who was a nice, talkative Northern man that provided a more interesting human diversion than the CBC, has also found a saviour. Technology will save him, and Elon Musk will save humanity.
Everyone, it seems, has a saviour.
I learned today that everyone has a saviour. The CBC has chosen fear as a saviour. Be frightened, and you will be safe from COVID, snow, party people, and bad Americans. Be very afraid, and you will be very safe.
This gentleman, who was a nice, talkative Northern man that provided a more interesting human diversion than the CBC, has also found a saviour. Technology will save him, and Elon Musk will save humanity.
Everyone, it seems, has a saviour.
I will, however, stick with mine. Though the context was different, Hebrews 13:8-9 comes to mind: “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Do not be led away by diverse and strange teachings, for it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace…”